Thursday, December 27, 2007

A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up

A friend of mine sent me this essay, from the Don't Marry blog. I don't know who wrote it. I don't even know if it's true.

But it certainly could be true, and I don't doubt that this scenario happens, more often than we would like to think. Something very similar happened to the friend who sent it to me.

It's really kind of long, but really worth your time. Read it, and weep.

Feminism hurts us all.

A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up

On the cusp of my 45th birthday, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. It wasn’t the bathroom mirror, it was a photo I had from graduate school. I looked at myself 20 years ago and had a startling and clear epiphany. It wasn’t a happy moment. It was a terribly sad moment. It was so sad that I involuntarily burst into tears, something I haven’t done since the dark days of my divorce.

I looked at the photo and came to the conclusion that I had made a real mess of my life. I felt the utter misery of my life come in waves of sadness, regret, anger, and loneliness. For almost an hour I cried as I looked at the photo of a younger me. I was 24 with a fresh MBA from an excellent school. I was eager to conquer the business world. I was eager to prove that women could do anything. I was so much thinner. My clothes looked stylish, almost sexy. Of course the hair style was awful but that was the 80s and such styles could be forgiven. I saw the brightness in my eyes, the sparkle of life, of the great opportunities that were open to me. The world was there for my taking and I was ready.

But somehow, some way, it never came to be. My life evolved into something painful and difficult. But until that moment when I looked at my photo from over two decades ago, I always blamed someone else. It was never my fault for the bad decisions I made. Typically, it was the fault of men - my father, my boyfriends, my husband, my boss, my sons. Never, ever was it something that I had done. When I commiserated with my women friends, they always supported me. They even supported me when I had my affair, telling me that my husband was not giving me the attention that I needed. I read the women’s magazines and every article was about how women were always strong, intelligent, morally righteous, unable to make bad decisions. Worse, I believed that any of my needs, no matter how frivolous, no matter how many times I changed my mind, no matter how miserable I made the men in my life feel, were more important than anything - motherhood, career advancement, a healthy marriage, whatever.

I hate the world for teaching me those lessons. I remember complaining about how my husband never grew up. But as the tears streamed down my face, I came to the conclusion that I had never grown up. I never learned about compromise, trust, tolerance, niceness. I was a bitch, pure and simple. I know now that being a bitch is not about strength or independence. Being a bitch is about being repellent, unpleasant, unhappy, and lonely. Being a bitch is nothing more than being a spoiled princess who is too selfish or stupid to accept the joy in life.

I had become a fat, unpleasant, middle-aged princess because I had refused to grow up. Sure, I had taken on grown-up responsibilities (marriage, career, house, motherhood) but at the core of my psyche was a 13-year-old girl who stamped her feet and whined when she didn’t get her way. Of course, I had stopped whining years ago but I simply replaced the whining with emotional manipulation and ornery bitchiness. No wonder I was still single and my two teenaged sons spent all their free time with their father.

When I was growing up, being a dilettante feminist, I swallowed the standard line that women can have it all. I wanted it all and I wanted to make no compromises, to assume no sacrifices, and to feel completely validated in all of my lifestyle choices. The biggest mistake in my late teens and early 20s was to let other women - women whom I thought to be strong, independent, and intelligent - determine which lifestyle I was to follow. I was simply too spoiled and lazy to look inward, to embrace the kind of introspection necessary to find one’s own path in life, the path that could lead to real fulfillment and happiness.

I remember college well. It was a fun time and I thought, at the time, an enlightening time. The parties were exciting, the political debates intense, the string of boyfriends and casual sexual encounters pleasant. I studied hard and I played hard. I attended the campus feminist meetings and listened to diatribes from sturdy and self-righteous peers about the evils of masculinity. I learned to scorn men when I didn’t need them for selfish reasons - study partners, shoulders to cry on, willing sexual partners. But I was never hesitant to bat my eyelashes or let my skirt ride up on my then-slender thighs if I needed something from a man. Men were handy to have around occasionally, but certainly not required, as my female peers kept insisting.

I learned that the only place for a woman was in the boardroom and that motherhood was beneath my intelligence. I “took back the night” at a few after-dark rallies with hundreds of young women eager to prove to the world that all men were rapists and potentially violent criminals.

When I got pregnant my sophomore year, it was easy to get an abortion. The campus health center was almost eager to make sure the procedure was done quickly and quietly. I never told my parents. I never told the fellow who made me pregnant. I don’t even remember his name, I only vaguely remember a wild night with the college hockey team at an off-campus party. Only now do I consider the irony of how I was attracted to college athletes in school - the type of men who liked being in control.

Pursuing my MBA once I completed my undergraduate studies was a foregone conclusion. I was destined for the board room, or so I had convinced myself. Graduate school was tough. I was competing with some very bright people, mostly men. Those men were destined for success and they knew it. But I had something that I exploited. I had my femininity and I used it ruthlessly when I had to. I tried to convince myself that the affair with my married finance professor had nothing to do with grades. Of course, finance was the most difficult course and when I managed surface at the end of the semester with a B it was hard to rationalize that the secret trysts with the professor had nothing to do with it. But the ends always justifies the means and there was no way I would not succeed. The other few women in my class were doing the same if they could get away with it. We never talked about it, but it was understood and we sometimes giggled about it and gloated that we had something the men would never have.

I met my husband that last year in graduate school. He was pursuing a degree in sociology. The chemistry with him was quite intense in the beginning. He had long hair and a motorcycle. He was the classic bohemian and I felt the need to rein him in, to make him a better man (or at least my definition of a better man). He was irresponsible and sometimes unruly but I loved him with all my heart and soul.

After graduating, I found work in a big corporation. Every day I went to work with my power suit and shoulder pads under my jacket. I walked in my sneakers and changed into work shoes when I got to the office at 7AM to put in another 12 hour day. I was married by then in a wedding straight from Modern Bride magazine. My husband had finally cut his hair after much insistence from me. He would later call it severe nagging but I got my wish so it didn’t matter.

He found work in a consumer research organization. He didn’t get paid as much as me but that didn’t matter. My income was big and growing bigger. We bought a house I found in the suburbs. He had recommended something more modest and closer to downtown where we both worked. I would have none of that. My success had to be readily visible with a big, traditional house and a big lawn. I made sure he took care of the lawn despite his resistance.

After five years, I felt the need to have babies. It wasn’t a mutual decision. I wanted babies. No, I desperately needed a baby. I felt empty inside without kids. It was a completely irrational feeling for a high-flying career woman hell-bent on being the next corporate CEO. My husband was cool towards the idea. He asked how we would balance the demands of being parents and supporting a rather expensive lifestyle. I didn’t care. My womb was empty. I had needs. Neither reason nor logic affected my needs or my feelings.

So, the first baby came. Instantly, life changed. I couldn’t put in the hours I needed to maintain my career trajectory. My husband changed as well. He quickly lost his bohemian attitudes. He sold his motorcycle and became a devoted father to our son. Of course, I had been pushing for this since we had gotten married. His words, as revealed during the divorce, were “shrill, nagging harpy who relentlessly pushed me into fatherhood”. But he loved our first son and even offered to work only part time to allow me to keep on with my career. That would not do. I was the mother, the queen, the all-knowing and wise creator of my son. My husband was clearly an incompetent boob who didn’t know a diaper from a car seat.

My boss saw that I was distracted with my new duties as super-mom. He looked at my productivity and knew I couldn’t perform like my single or childfree colleagues. So, I was “mommy-tracked”. They didn’t call it that then. But when a male colleague was promoted over me, I knew what was happening. I hated it. I was livid. How could I not have it all? So, I played the feminine card again, this time with a stick, not a carrot. I paid a visit to Human Resources with a veiled threat of a discrimination lawsuit. It didn’t work, of course, because it was very clear that I was putting in fewer hours with the resultant loss of productivity. It was all documented and defensible. I was furious. How dare they. I summoned up all the righteous wrath I could. I consulted an outside attorney, a ferocious female lawyer who was quite prepared to sue until she made a pass at me. Open-minded I was, but certainly not a lesbian. I let the legal issue drop and sullenly accepted my reduced role at work. After all, we had expenses to pay and my salary was certainly needed.

I watched my husband evolve from bohemian to responsible father. He was astoundingly good with our first son. Of course, at the time, I didn’t recognize that. I thought everything he did was wrong. Only I, the supreme mother, could raise our first boy. We struggled for a couple of years. It wasn’t easy. So, when I got pregnant again - unplanned by my husband, completely planned by me - the stress continued to grow. Money wasn’t tight but the pressure to maintain our lifestyle and that big house was mostly on my shoulders. I resented my husband for that. He had chosen a career he loved but the pay was not nearly as much as mine. I really had to work and with being on the mommy track, there was no way I could achieve what I had expected in my career.

We did use day-care and a part-time housekeeper. Actually, we went through eight housekeepers. They were never good enough for me. Nothing was good enough for me. My shoes didn’t fit, my clothes looked bad, the car wasn’t clean enough, my husband wasn’t up to my standards. Looking back in brutal honesty, I was a stark, raving bitch. I don’t think I said a nice word in years. I am amazed that my husband put up with me. I didn’t take him seriously, he was just a man, after all.

In my limited social life, I spent time with women like me. We were an unhappy group of 30-something moms with powerful careers. But we also smiled and pretended that life was perfect. We all had the right homes, the right cars, the right schools, the right careers. We convinced ourselves that we did have it all. Occasionally, one of us might vent some frustration at the situation. When that happened, we always had convenient scapegoats - our husbands, our bosses, our housekeepers, the schools, whatever. It was never, ever our fault because we were female.

With one son at five and the other at seven, it fell apart. Rather, it exploded. My husband just gave up. He had been supportive to me and good with the children. So, it caught me by surprise when he just gave up. I guess I should have seen it. I was always using sex as a weapon with him. If he didn’t do exactly what I said, if he didn’t bend over backwards to fulfill my every whim, he didn’t experience any kind of sexual pleasure. I remember I caught him playing with himself one night. I was furious. How could he experience sexual satisfaction without my control being somehow involved?

As a healthy woman, I did have my own sexual needs. So, rather than enjoy sex within the context of a marriage, I had an affair. It was easy. I was still somewhat attractive. There were men around. “Why not?” I easily rationalized to myself. My husband doesn’t give me enough attention, it’s all his fault. The affair was inconsequential, just some sex on weekends and on business trips. I needed it so therefore it was OK. While my husband was being a father, I was being an empowered, independent woman visiting cheap motels with a man who could give me orgasms.

The affair lasted three months. My husband never found out. He didn’t need to, he just gave up. Interestingly, he channeled his efforts into a side business as a marketing consultant. This proved to be quite lucrative for him. Within six months his income had exceeded mine. Our savings account grew substantially. “It’s for the boys’ college tuition” he told me over and over again.

I was unhappy. My career was stressful and unrewarding. My two sons were closer to my husband than to me because of all the hours I was working. He had quit his full-time job and was thriving as a marketing consultant, a job that he could do out of the house with just his computer and a phone. I felt frustrated and unfulfilled. My female friends recommended counseling. So, we gave that a try. I subtly picked a counselor whom I know would be sympathetic to me. The sessions were actually fun in a very unpleasant way. The counselor and I spent 50 minutes picking on my husband. He quietly sat there and took it, apologizing and promising to change. I didn’t have to promise to do anything. The counselor - a woman much like me - made it very clear that my needs were paramount and his needs were completely irrelevant.

Naturally, the counseling didn’t work for us. My husband retreated into fatherhood and his growing business. I contemplated another affair. Unfortunately, I was gaining a lot of weight. At a size 12, it was hard to get attractive men to look at me. My friends recommended that I consider divorce. I look back and think about my “friends” from that period in my life. They were a group of unhappy women trying so hard to validate their own, poor life decisions. I let them influence me when I should have been strong. That was an enormous mistake.

I didn’t hate my husband I just didn’t love him like I used to. I wanted a new and better life. I could raise my sons without him. I had been reading that kids really didn’t need fathers. I was feeling so unfulfilled. When I served my husband with divorce papers, he didn’t seem surprised. I had consulted with a good divorce attorney and she strongly recommended that I go for everything - house, cars, custody, alimony, child support, everything. “It’s a war and as a woman, you have to win” were her words.

The divorce was ugly and despite the fact that I did get the house, the car, the kids, child support, and the savings account that he had filled, I ultimately lost. My ex moved out, leaving me to take care of the house and kids. He moved into a very modest apartment and we agreed that he could see the boys on weekends. The court actually ordered that to happen. I was happy to force him out of their lives completely but he was rigidly insistent and that damned judge agreed.

I was single again. I was ready to date again. But at 38, dating was not like the wild times in college and graduate school when I was young, alluring, and desired by men. No, I was a single mom now. I had cut my hair short and my figure was almost past the point of no return. The kind of man I wanted to date had no interest in me. Those powerful and successful men had younger, prettier, nicer girlfriends.

The divorced men were the worst. They were either so disillusioned that they couldn’t handle a relationship or they were just hopping from bed to bed, not willing to be exclusive. I so much wanted to be swept off my feet into the arms of an attractive man to take care of me and make my troubles go away. I still thought of myself as a princess. I was still silly, stupid, and immature.

Yet the men I was attracted to wouldn’t give me a second thought. The men who did want me were totally unsuitable. It was astounding to me that I wasn’t attractive any more. So many men in college were after me. I remember mocking all the guys who approached me at parties. If they had the slightest flaw, I pushed them away, usually with a pointed insult or two. I never thought twice about the men I rejected, some of them decent and sweet when I look back on it. My girlfriends and I called them “mamma’s boys” while we let ourselves be taken by the cocky, arrogant pricks who always made us feel overpowering attraction and lust.

To make matters worse, I couldn’t fix anything in the house. My husband had tended to all those matters. My boys were pre-teens and very difficult for me to handle. They hated the fact that they could only see their father on weekends. Their grades dropped. They started having discipline problems in school. Naturally, I blamed their father. It was all his fault that we divorced and that he lived apart from them. I tried not to say bad things about him in front of my sons but the feelings were just so strong. I said terrible things about their father, especially when I was drinking, which I did a lot of back then.

If I was unhappy when I was married, I was now wretchedly miserable as a single mom looking for love again. I tried hard to convince myself that I was a strong, independent, and intelligent woman. Sometimes it worked, especially when I was browbeating subordinates at work. I actually hated my job. I made a good living, yes. Yet I had reached the zenith of my career and the board room was not one bit closer. I still felt terribly conflicted about being a good mom and being the corporate woman.

I had lots of blame to dole out. There was no way that the current state of my life was the result of my decisions. My single girlfriends all told me that, many, many times over copious cocktails in sundry singles bars. I read a lot of women’s magazines and the advice I got said pretty much the same thing - a woman is never to blame.

I tried to lose weight but it was so very difficult. When I was hungry, I simply had to eat, usually ice cream or something with chocolate. I had to buy new clothes, again, because the weight kept piling on. I was set up on a blind date and the man had the sheer audacity to say “I’m sorry, I’m just not attracted to you because of your weight.” I never thought about my own hypocrisy about trying to find a man to whom I was attracted to physically. Men must be attracted to me, I am a woman, after all.

The past few years have been kind of a blur. My ex husband had found a new love of his life and I naturally hated him for that. I tried to increase the child support payments. When that didn’t work, I tried to prevent my sons from visiting him. They fought me on this. I took out my frustrations at work. My boss threatened to fire me. Only my girlfriends gave me any support. We had boozy nights where we ate and drank too much. Frankly, we were a bunch of fat, unhappy, single women who heaped blame upon the world for the state of our lives.

So when I saw the photograph from college, the epiphany hit hard. Through the tears of anguish, rage, bitterness, and denial came the incredibly painful realization that I was responsible for my own unhappiness. I finally figured out that I had not grown up and had not truly embraced adulthood. This was six months ago.

I’ve made some profound changes in my life since then. First and foremost, I stopped blaming everyone else for my own problems. This was the hardest. For my entire life I was told - and I believed - that as a woman, I could do no wrong, that I was not responsible, that I was always the victim in some way. Over and over I had to tell myself that only I am responsible for my happiness.

Once I learned to stop blaming the world, I taught myself to be pleasant and nice. This was hard as well. I had always mistaken pleasantness for weakness. This is not the case. A new colleague at work - a woman from the South - showed me very clearly it’s quite easy to be nice and be strong at the same time.

I also dumped my girlfriends. This was easy. This group of unhappy and negative women was actually encouraging me to do stupid things like divorce a perfectly good man because of my selfish and very arbitrary feelings of the moment. I finally learned that acting solely on feelings is the realm of children, not adults. Maybe those women will finally learn that. But I doubt it.

I’m at the gym every day. After being rebuffed by so many attractive and decent guys, I decided to apply standards of real equality to the whole dating thing. After all, if I believe in physical attraction, why should not I understand that men are the same way? Being fat means not being physically attractive to many, many men so it’s up to me to do something about, not be angry with men about the situation. The weight is coming off. It’s a battle, to be sure, but it’s coming off. I’m also letting my hair grow and getting rid of that awful “mom” hair style.

I no longer read those loathsome women’s magazines nor do I watch a lot of TV. When I freed my mind from so many complete misconceptions about men, I learned that men are actually wonderful people. My sons saw my transformation. As they grow older and become men in their own right, I have stopped nagging them about “feelings” and “sensitivity” and encourage them to be men. I doubt I’ll ever mend fences with my ex husband, all I can do is hope that he finds happiness and joy in his life. I have a new respect for him, a respect born from understanding that men are very different, not worse, just different. My ex is also an excellent father, I am blessed for that.

I’ve learned to accept that my needs aren’t the center of the universe. That was actually quite liberating. No longer am I a slave to the whimsy of my often shallow emotions that can’t be reasonably fulfilled. This means I complain less. If I can’t change the situation, why complain about it? Winter is cold, my complaints about the temperature will do nothing to warm the air.

The biggest regret I have in life is being so weak as to not to have made the serious introspection until this point in my life. If I were truly strong, truly intelligent, I would have really thought about what is important to me instead of following the herd. In retrospect, clawing my up the corporate ladder was a very bad decision. Exploiting my femininity to manipulate men was even worse. I love being a woman but using sex to get what I want is no better than a man using brute strength to get what he wants.

I’m still single and dating still eludes me. There is a glimmer of hope, however, a very nice man complimented me on my smile. At 45 years old, that was the first time anyone has noticed my smile. My eldest son noticed it too, “Mom, I’ve never seen you smile until now.” Life must get better for me. That’s my responsibility, no one else’s.

95 comments:

Egghead said...

Good find. I'm adding that to the mgtow cms.

drex said...

A great educational piece there, in so many ways it sums up the full story, the full career path of the "entitled woman"..

This woman has obviously not really lost much, she has gone through her life, her way and at the final realisation, she has had her way, her cake, eaten it and digested it..

She's happy now, good for her, but, what is she going to do with that new wisdom?

She has taken the path she currentlty takes, her current attitude, simply because, now, she HAS TO..

This is a tale of remorse, but, she would do the same again no doubt, given a young head on young shoulders..

By speaking out, maybe she can educate others, as you yourself do kellymac, but, lets not forget, these women have not "lost" anything have they?

They have simply adapted..

Now, what does this woman seek to do?

She is 45.

No longer 25.

An "equal relationship" may now offer her advantages that in the past, they did not..

This is the problem at the root of of those who demand equality.

Folk only want equality when they are unable to get what they really want..

This is typical "narcissists remorse"..

I should know, I do it myself from time to time..;)

Anonymous said...

This woman is intelligent, if also completely selfish.
How on earth can we expect the majority of women to be so honest.
I have two narcissistic exe's who are basically nice people- but totally out of tune with 'what it takes 'to be happy and fulfilled.
It's been hard going for 40 years, basically.
Do women realise what they are doing from a moralistic viewpoint- apart from, as noted ,a selfish guilt?
I would sadly doubt it.
Eden revisited.
Eden is retreating now.
Like men. 5k

flint's gunner said...

Ah, sweet, sweet Schadenfreude! As I have often pointed out, any man who wastes his time on withered up old Has-Beens like this needs his head examined! Let her rot, and let's hope she lives at least another 40 or 50 years to really let her world-class stupidity and misery soak in to the bone.

Not so smart now, are we, hmmmm? It would appear we didn't know EVERY GODDAMN THING after all, isn't that so? And we laugh!

Anonymous said...

Interesting study too in human nature, more valuable for that than anything re feminism-- note what is actually motivating the change in this woman-- not a sudden realization born of a sense of humanity and insight driven by thoughtful self-analysis, but instead, a realization that she is "worth" much less to the men around her whom she has been using and abusing with her (former) sexiness. She is no Oscar Schindler. She is still fundamentally selfish and self-centered. She isn't changing so much as she is changing strategies at dealing with men. She is still looking for someone to come along and solve her problems for her, hence her focus on getting back into shape (ie, being a man-trap again, easy to do when 20, much harder at 45), and re-tooling her outlook on men ("ie, they're nice, not bad") all because it is useful. She can't get away with being a bitch anymore because her looks don't let her.

If she was REALLY penitent, she would write a long letter of apology to her ex-husband and refund the $200k+ in money she has taken from him via divorce and child support, beg for his forgiveness and then leave him the f*ck alone for the rest of his life. She isn't serious here about making changes and making amends. She is however serious at changing strategies for ensnaring a man again and setting him to work for her.

That's all that's happening here.

Sanjay258 said...

Excellent post. This is window into the thought process of our typical, feminist-influenced modern day woman.

I've always felt that feminism was far less about equality (a noble goal I do support) and much more about the objectification of men as disposable success objects.

The truth is feminists are nothing more than wh0res and goldiggers who use intellectualism and large-scale manipulation, as opposed to the much more honest(relatively speaking) approach of the typical, street wh0re. And feminists are not at all averse to secretly using the trade of sex for status/power/money either, as evidenced in this woman's story here. At least the street wh0re is honest and upfront about who/what she is to herself - which is much more than we can say for our typical feminist/modern woman.

I wonder what this woman's sons must think of a mother who is such a wh0re (and keep in mind, having sex for pleasure doesn't make a woman a whore, but having it for power or money reasons does, as a wh0re not only makes an object of herself, but also of the male success objects she seeks to trade herself for) or if she even considers or acknowledges the shame/pain/emasculation they may feel from having one of their own women (their mother, no less) behave in such a cheap, dirty, selfish fashion.

Anonymous said...

Umm, haven't you ever learned that you don't believe everything you read on the internet? This sounds like Outcast Superstar wrote this himself.

R said...

@ drex and anon 1:08 PM

Man ain't that the truth

Anonymous said...

This woman sounds EXACTLY like my ex-wife. She had me wound so tight I eventually snapped. I jumped through every hoop she put out there. I did everything she ever wanted. She was never pleased, never satisfied and it was ALWAYS because everything was my fault because it was what I wanted and not what she wanted. The truth was that in fact it was always her wishes, desired and needs that got placed at the forefront and if I ever had my way it was at great exspense to her. When we found out I couldn't have kids well everything then became because she needed a 'real man'. Now how heartless, cold and bitchy is that? But thank goodness that in the end she dumped me because I couldn't give her that all important child in her belly.
Today I have no idea what she is doing. When I left (forced out) she had a career making twice what I did, got the house and the car and sadly the dog. I miss him so - I really do. Chances are she probably gave him away - I donlt know I haven't spoken to her since it was finalized and I moved the last of my things out of the house.
While I wish her luck and happiness my guess is that that is not the case. I'm about as laid back, forgiving and devoted a guy as one would ever meet. So she's probably using some 'real man' as a sperm donor and will ended up a single career mom with an unhappy life and a poorly raised child - just like her friends that convinced her to divorce me. And she too made us see a counselor where the two of them lambasted me ruthlessly for hours on end. Sure I hav e faults and absolutely I'm far from being innocent but the story tis ladt tells here just rang all to true with my experience of the bitchy, self-important, career track, strong and empowered princess. I truly hope that women read this and maybe just maybe a couple will realize that men aren't bad - we're just different. Be patient and good things will happen. Snapping fingers and stomping feet will only get you single.

celtish said...

A sad tale indeed.

Anonymous said...

Ya, but I bet when she realized it was all her fault that she didn't run back to the court to drop the alimony and child support payments.

I was in a college class once where the professor was a feminist. She made us do group projects, and I had a group of people that were totally clueless about the subject. We did a group project where we had to come up with some silly math answer that I alone in the group was able to calculate. I later compared my grade to a lady in my group and she got a higher grade even though our answers were identical!

I went to the professor and let her know that the answer on both submissions was the answer I told everyone to put down because I had done the final calculation. She changed my grade and shot me a snide, parting remark along the lines of, "Well, I'll have to tell her to be careful of who she takes directions from in the future."

Simply unbelievable.

Anonymous said...

hahah this is a very satisfying read
you've given my year a great start

Anonymous said...

Hyper consumerism and media distortion of lifestyle needs led to this. If you liked this, I recommend, "the overspent american."

gleemie said...

Before, she blamed men uncritically. Now, she blames feminism uncritically.

I consider myself a feminist but I interpret that as a commitment to question and really think through how gender issues play into our culture. I strongly believe that we cannot have gender liberation until men are also free to wear skirts, be nurturing without someone calling them a faggot, etc.

I'm sorry that this woman spent her life taking other people's advice without thinking through the ethics for herself. But that is the fault of the person, not the historical project of feminism.

Nobody is perfect, and I'm not so righteous as to believe that I've never made mistakes or had breaches of ethics. But I hope that I can take responsibility for it -- and that is not what I see happening here.

Thoughts said...

fem·i·nism
Pronunciation:
\ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm\
Function:
noun
Date:
1895

1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2 : organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests

...this hurts us all?

It's the woman conventional society shaped, not feminism as such that seems to have brought suffering to her and the people around her.

She kowtowed to expectations, from Modern Bride's to her mom's. She pursued meeting these expectations with the same zealousness of the 50's housewife in a GE dishwasher ad.

As for her marriage, she didn't want equality, she wanted domination and control. She got it, and predictably the relationship was unsustainably.

Keep an eye on throw away lines like "When that happened, we always had convenient scapegoats - our husbands, our bosses, our housekeepers, the schools, whatever. It was never, ever our fault because we were female."

And the tired cliche of the female power-lawyer who is, surprise surprise, a lesbian.

And "finance" is the most difficult class in business school? Maybe at University of Phoenix Online it is, and is called simply that.

Choosing a Stepford life is not feminism. Who wrote this, anyway? He deserves a smack on the head.

Anonymous said...

I'm 45, too. I was raised by a feminist and by a good, kind father. You can be a feminist and not hate or objectify men. I've been married 20 years to my very best friend. True feminists seek to improve the lot of women who have no power or money. The woman in the story is a upper-middle class white collar professional who is not oppressed, except by herself, and then when it suits her. Feminism in the 1980s swerved off in a splintered and self-serving direction and got lost in personal side issues. Where are the feminists working to help poor women in Third World countries where women work in sweat shops for almost nothing, making the clothes and shoes we wear? Where are the feminists working to have universal health care passed in the US where most of the uninsured are women and children? The woman in this article is not a feminist. She uses what she thinks is feminism to excuse her irresponsible behavior and her shallow life. I am raising my 15 year old daughter to be razor-sharp and responsible, and to see men as the enjoyable companions they can be.

testseifried said...

Reconciliation is surprisingly simple. It requires two simple things:

You have to want to honestly and genuinely reconcile with your husband.

Your husband has to be (at a minimum) willing to entertain the idea of reconciling with you.

It sounds like you have #1 covered so how can you invite #2 in? Simple. you let him know how you feel, you put your heart out on the table and let him do with it as he chooses (he may choose to engage with you, or he may reject you, but hopefully he's a real mensch and understands that playing win-lose sucks and there are better ways to play at life). This can look like sending him a postcard, once a day for a few months with a message such as an apology or something you used to (or still do) appreciate about him.

My only "rule" of advice would be to engage with him in a way that offers him the option of playing or not playing; otherwise he may feel backed into a corner and that's probably not the most effective way to engage with him. Once you have engaged in communication you have a lot of options; such as setting ground rules, apologizing for past hurts, etc. (12 step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous offer a pretty good framework for this kind of thing).

Of course I could be completely wrong, take any advice I give with a big grain of salt.

Danny said...

Really awesome, thanks for sharing. I'm an 18-year-old dude and that opened my eyes a ton. I'm sorry she had to go through that, in a way at least. I tend to think of the people as doing what they think is right, I find it hard to hold people responsible for their blindness, since it really is just a sort of disability. Whenever I read something like this, heartfelt, real, introspective, I can't help but picture a beautiful woman and not an ugly one, even when she says she is ugly.

Anonymous said...

So -- in your middle age, you realize you've been a bitch all your life and never taken responsibility for your own actions, and the reason is -- feminism.

Not you, yourself, but feminism. Riiight.

Joel said...

This is less a critique of feminism, than of consumer culture.

It's Disney and other marketing powerhouses that taught her to conflate wants (which are, as she points out, fleeting and arbitrary, and quite subject to outside influence) with needs (which are nigh-upon universal). It wasn't so much her girlfriends that taught her to need the gigantic lawn and the "right car", the chocolate and the booze, but TV and magazines.

"Neither reason nor logic affected my needs or my feelings." But that's how humans work. Reason and logic can affect our behavior, but needs and emotions are a given.

As a distant second, this is also a critique of misandry. Misandry was just one of many tools that kept her alienated: quite a few others are apparent in this letter.

It's also a bit unfair to conflate misandry with feminism. The destructive effects of misandry on my life, and the fact that it's inextricably linked with misogyny, is the reason I'm a feminist. (I'm male.)

julian said...

blaming feminism for this is absolutely bizarre and stupid

Factory said...

Not to take away from what seems to be meant as a letter of contrition, but I have to agree with the general consensus here...this is not realization of anything other than "I can't be a total bitch anymore, because I'm not hot anymore, so I have learned to care". While there were several spots where I felt sorry for the woman in some ways, ultimately she STILL doesn't see the point. Honestly, consider the following if the story mirrors your own....

Why the hell would anyone want you? What do you offer?

Lemme see, if I'm a decent guy (one worth having I suppose), I'll be looking at you this way... "Well, she's old, and even though she's losing the weight, she's still all saggy and soft in the wrong ways. That and I know for a fact half of the town's been inside her. She DOES come with someone else's kids to raise though...that's a big plus considering I want kids of my own, now I don't have to worry about it, I can raise some other guy's kids instead (maybe even deny him the pleasure in the meantime).

Awww, but she's NICE now....why would you go for the young hottie hiking up her skirt for the good grades when you can have a repentant, nice, washed up old slut with kids in tow? Aren't you a sensitive, modern man looking for something "real"?

Of course my response is "Hell no, I'm looking at the thong barely covering the ass of that 22 year old hottie!". Then, I'll go over and chat her up, take her to my place, and have sex with her all night long....of course leaving in the morning.

Payback's a Bitch ain't it?

John Q Public said...

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Anonymous said...

I am posting this to tell you that all is not lost. Now that you have hit bottom, you have nowhere to go but up.

I recommend Barbara Sher's fantastic book about self-discovery, Wishcraft: How To Get What You Really Want. You most certainly do not need to work on the professional aspects of your life; however, you might enjoy discovering your true self and re-directing the personal side of your life. The complete book is available online at the Wishcraft website, and is well worth your time and energy. I have used the techniques described in this book to re-direct many aspects of my life; most importantly changing myself (attitudes, behavior, etc.) so that I became the kind of person that the kind of man I was looking for was attracted to. We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this past year and we are so much in love with each other that we expect to celebrate 50 years together as we approach our 3-digit birthdays.

I wish you well; you are stronger than you know.

Anonymous said...

i enjoyed reading this
i felt it was an interesting perspective on the life of western women
this is a piece i have shared also with a few friends

from a college student in texas
best of luck :)

Mike from Queensland said...

In many ways, the well known aphorism of Theophilus over 2000 years ago still holds true in our oh-so aware and educated society.

"A man, though his hair be gray, can always get a wife, but a woman's time is short"

The sad thing is that many women learn this in their late 30s and 40s at a time when there is no longer a heck of a lot they can do about it!

Talk about the wisdom of the ancients !!

Anonymous said...

Deciding to stop blaming everything else for your own, enormous flaws is a good thing. Thinking feminism is somehow to blame is a stupid second step. Thinking that actual, real feminism has anything to do with the advice in "women's magazines" means that there is a whole lot more learning to do. Man-haters that call themselves feminists are just like warmongers that call themselves Buddhists or Christians. Actual feminism is about removing genuine, unnecessary inequalities in opportunity. Idiots calling themselves feminists doesn't make their character flaws equal feminism - it just makes good people stay away.

Anonymous said...

that was very obviously written by a man. sorry. you've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

Tin Soul said...

You're doing great! Where you are right now is good, right? Go on from here, in peace.
In a way, this experience of yours is a great treasure. How? That's for you to explore and find out.
Life each day is as good as you will let it be.
I celebrate your being here, now!

Helen said...

Wow. I ended up here from a link from Digg or somesuch. I absolutely cannot see how this essay relates to feminism or the gross generalities that bitter commenters have posted!

I'm 41, have an MBA, 2 kids, and a great husband. I suppose I could have ended up like the essayist, but the truth is that I was never a selfish and materialistic bitch - so my apparently feminist attitude didn't take me down the same path hers did.

To me, feminism = the realization that women and men can be equals in most cases [face it, there are some cases where one gender is clearly usually better at something - ie push ups or child bearing], and the cessation of making decisions about someone's brains, attitudes, abilities, and personality based solely upon gender. Feminist are self-reliant and accept responsibility for their choices and actions (just like good men).

Just because one woman was driven to make stupid choices and then regretfully write about them in a weepy and indulgent essay doesn't mean that any woman who ever thought to raise a cheer for feminism is the same as her.

Right now, I'm home with my 2 small kids (1.5 and 5). I'm changing careers to be more family friendly when I do go back to work. I'm running a marathon in 2 weeks. I have cute clothes, cute hair, and am nice to my husband. Granted, I have a pre-menopausal danged tummy bulge, but give me a break - I still look better then half the muffin-topped doughy college girls here. At least my tummy is contained in my size 8 jeans.

I dunno - I don't think feminism has anything to do with this woman's life choices... sounds like she's been selfish and manipulative since, oh, what... puberty?

And then...sleeping with professors is feminism?! Geesh. I went to 2 top 20 schools, great grades in both, never even wanted to sleep with a teacher. Ew. Did my homework instead. Using her body and sex appeal has nothing to do with feminism - it's just manipulating men that she's identified as easily swayed by a possibility for a piece of a**. Hmmm, payment for sex - OMG! She's not a feminist! She's a prostitute!!!!

I dunno - just seems like generalizing all women who are feminist to be like this one, who actually doesn't seem to be - is barking up the wrong tree.

Now, I choose to grab a second cup-o-joe before I (yuck) clean the house, take the kids to the pool, and grab a workout before I cook dinner, register for next semester, deal with the contractor, pay bills , take the car to the shop, and say nice things to my husband when he gets home. I'm a feminist ... but I don't sound anything like her, eh?

a feminist friend said...

I think this post is an incredible account of growth and self-examination. Your honesty is refreshing, and I congratulate you for taking account for your actions and examining the path of your decisions in naked light. I applaud you for your introspection, and I think it is never too late to find your way back to center. My only quandary, however, is seeing the way that you whole-heartedly clung to your interpretations of feminism at a younger age, and now seek to cling to the other extreme to validate your newfound self-awareness. I just question whether or not this is necessary? Why the need for the external declarations and hard line assessments. Is it really still all about you? It seems to me that your personal 180 is inspired once again by a need to validate your aspirations to be a "better" woman, predicated upon something that can account for your actions, rather than something that must come from within.

In terms of feminism, every social movement and ideology (if you wish to call it this) has its pros and cons. The mature and responsible approach (in my opinion) is accepting that your younger, self-centered justifications in the name of feminism were fundamentally flawed, and more based on your insecurities and limited set of interpretations at the time. You have matured, so allow your world view to mature with you. Not everything is so black and white.

My two cents? Feminism did not cause you to make bad choices, you did. Moreover, your choices have been entirely independent of what feminism is. While I agree that is is essential that you sort through life and take responsibility for your actions, you have failed to address what you could have once learned from feminism, but failed to see in your state of self-absorption and self-righteous naivete.

Bottom line: Feminism is about humanism. It is about treating men and women as equal people in our struggle to get through this messy, tough life. If you had understood this twenty years ago, you would have treated your husband as your partner (spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual and otherwise). You would have loved him for the man that he was, not the man you thought you could force him to be. Also, you would have loved yourself enough to know that the affair with the professor or the extra-marital affair was hurting you, not freeing you. You would have honored your husband's request to be a stay-at-home dad because you would have been able to humbly acknowledge that he was better and more emotionally available as a parent than you were at the time. Yes, there are plenty of feminists who made the mistake of thinking that women must act like men and still be uber-women, yet this really isn't the issue. This issue is that feminists (both men and women) believe in the integrity of each human being to live the life that we have each, individually, been born to live. Being a feminist means respecting and valuing every human being for his or her limitless potential as human beings.

Obviously, you can choose to project your insecurities as you will. There are a lot of self-proclaimed feminists out there who continue to perpetuate the sorts of behavior you once did in your younger days. However, my point is that it may now be easier for you to swing to the opposite pole in the name of middle-aged self-awareness, in order to justify the clarity and personal accountability that you have earned from your experiences. You have definitely earned your common sense, now use it. However, feminism is not your affliction, and it never was.

Again, while I commend you for crossing through and seeing what you have done in your life to not live according to your personal truths, I equally encourage you to see how waxing from one extreme ideological interpretation to the other fails to see the trees for the forest.

Nothing is so black and white, and yet we are such simple creatures. We're here to love, to be loved, to live happily, to be treated with kindness, gentleness and equality. Male or female, it doesn't matter. This is the heart of feminism: you aren't a good woman without first being a good human being.

Thank you for your writing. Keep up the journey.

Anonymous said...

If she was REALLY penitent, she would write a long letter of apology to her ex-husband and refund the $200k+ (sic) in money she has taken from him via divorce and child support, beg for his forgiveness and then leave him the f*ck alone for the rest of his life.

EdwinJ85 said...

I am glad this woman has seen better but I hope we all learn equality means equality - men and women need to work together and stand up for each other, not themselves.

I can hope.

Still, I hope this lady find happiness. Her husband and boys too. Perhaps she might consider going back to her husband and seeing if there is anything there?

RTessler said...

This is total and complete rubbish! No woman thinks friendships are more important than motherhood --

And a woman has to be very freaky to have both of her sons hate her.

This is just propaganda. Please people, get a grip.

Anonymous said...

It's good that she's found a more introspective path, but she still has a long way to go. Her conclusions are still full of sexist generalizations about men and women.

Likewise, the unwarranted attacks on "feminism," in the original post and in the comments, are based on unwarranted, overly-broad generalizations about gender differences. There is no one set of traits that applies to women or to men, or even to a subset like male athletes. That kind of stereotyping is always wrong.

And just to be clear: Feminism is not bad. Abusing and misinterpreting feminism to justify selfishness is bad, but feminism itself is a good and worthy goal. I am a guy, and I am proud to say that I have been a feminist since I first recognized sexism at the age of 11.

My wife and I have dealt with some of the same issues, but with somewhat more success. If the author's husband was a doormat, yielded to her nagging, and let her keep her spoiled, selfish delusions without challenging them, then he has to take some responsibility for the destructive path those delusions took them down.

My wife and I have had some fiery arguments, but we are still together after 20 years, and we are both more mature as a result of the strife and conflict we survived together. She wants to be a feminist, too? Fine. Then she's a feminist ALL the time, not just when it is convenient.

Anonymous said...

reddit says it's fiction written by a man
http://reddit.com/info/64asw/comments/c02sk8i

Anonymous said...

You're a liar.
Your life is a lie.
Your emotions are all lies.
Get a grip.

Random Radfem said...

Wow, I'm very sorry that this woman has found herself in such an unpleasant place in her life. However, I don't think feminism is to blame, at least not all of it. This woman tried to get all the markers of success coded in our society as masculine - money, prestige, power. She went after them aggressively - something also coded masculine. And she found out, as many men do, that masculinity and material success are just not all they're cracked up to be: there she was, emotionally distant from her husband and kids. She had all the "stuff" that was supposed to make her happy, and she was miserable. She got divorced and her kids didn't want much to do with her and her ex went on to have life get better and better while she fumbled around helplessly, discovering that her fancy education and prestigious job didn't prepare her for the basics of survival. This sounds to me more like the average high-powered male executive's midlife crisis than a woman's.

Try putting the story in to regender.com and see what you think: I found that other than the references to pregnancy and sexual manipulation, it read equally true when it was the story of a man. Like, for example, my father, who is in exactly your friend's situation (except that there were no child support issues since us kids were grown, and they split the property pretty much straight down the middle), while my mom, no longer contstrained by the demands of a self-entitled helpless princeling, is happy, flourishing, and remarried.

I think the bottom line is, the stuff we've been taught to believe is good and masculine and economically-viable, is really a system of exploitation and oppression. Men have historically been the ones to exploit and oppress through capitalism. With the advent of feminism, women now also have access to capitalist conduits of power, and it doesn't work for women any better than it does for men. It screws everybody over, just in different ways depending on whether the system judges you a winner or a loser.

KellyMac said...

I inadvertently deleted some comments. When I was reviewing them prior to approving, I tried to delete a duplicate, and wound up deleting everything I checked.

If I deleted yours, please resubmit, and I will be glad to post it.

KellyMac

KellyMac said...

Just to re-iterate, this piece is not auto-biographical. I have been married for nearly 20 years (first marriage!), and I only took some classes at community college. Also, as far as I knew, I was a virgin when I met my husband. Our marriage hasn't exactly been a bed of roses, but nothing like what's in the post!

KellyMac

KellyMac said...

Okay, I think I found all the ones I deleted (they were in my inbox as notification for posting). If I missed yours, let me know. Sorry about that. :)

KellyMac said...

mbkirsten has left a new comment on your post "A Middle-Aged Princess Grows Up":

To encapsulate all of feminism the way sanjay258 has, is -no offense- ignorant. Women or men, for that matter, that climb any ladder via sexual manipulations/means/etc- fine- call them whores if you must...but please, don't pinhole a whole movement: which feminism is.
It's not a group of Mimosa sipping, lip gloss laden miserable bitches on a sunday afternoon after a group pedicure bitching about men and blaming men and the world for their struggles.

Feminism is a movement for women's equality and equality simply by nature- populated by both women and MEN as a driving force. It is and was about equal rights that for an excessive amount of time and not so far back, were not part of a womans life or even an option: i.e.) (the most obvious in history) voting.

Then we have issues that are getting better because of watchdog femininists groups that have helped protect societies historically criminal and corporate indiscretions toward women: i.e.)the fact that until the late 80's statistically, men still made more than women for the exact same position across the board. In many, many places they still do. Our girl does mention being "mommy tracked"- now that's about the only thing I found in her whole piece that really relates to feminism in a big way. Working women have hystorically been considered "temporary employees"- because at some point it is assumed and expected that they will have a child and leave the workplace. Knowing this and following this for decades after decades in the US and internationally, women were not promoted as quickly as men if at all early on. They were/are paid less for the same work if not severly underpaid in comparison, because a woman's loyalty is suspect and naturally to their "family and children" (once said family and children existed)and there was simply no reason to make a hard working man sit back and lose valuable time climing the ladder so a brilliant or talented or high productivity employed female could move up and then up and leave once sperminated by her Prince Charming. So- mommy tracked is a very real thing- and it does happen often to this day. Thankfully- it's another thing the movement of feminisim has helped subside. The development and rigid accuntability in recent years of HR departments that are unbiased and there to make sure not only mommy tracking, but sexual harassment or the corporate advancement of women does not ever feel that it must be achieved by getting on your knees for the boss...that's one big step for woman-kind. Cause before HR departments girls like Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin were abducting and feeding rat poison to their bosses to maintain a level of justice in the workplace. Our girl here, seems to be a victim of that- but also admitted her hours went down and concentration/productivity: understandable..but honestly- she sounds more like a personality disorder than someone who needed to get rich off a lawsuit for being lazy. If you wanna keep working, you have to keep working.

Oh yeah- and, can you believe women weren't allowed to work in the "olden days"? 'Less, ya know, it was helpin' round the farm 'err the house, er the family store. Tendin to the kids, the cookin', the cleanin' and the pigs was awful satisfyin'. But World War 2 changed all that...even if it started with a welding cap and a penny, I bet there's a lot of fat, cat napping happy boys and men right now thankful for that lil' allowance y'all gave us since now we can really pulls our weight and take some-a-duh-load-off. :-)

Last thing I want to mention: (and you know, i'm just so saddened by people's misconception of feminimism right now after reading this blog- by a woman who was never a feminist- she was a SELF-IST- and people who are reacting with words like feminist and whores in the same sentence. Women like this are why you lump it all in the same breath. And it's simply just not true. And women like this set back the feminist movement slowly and systemically with each man they piss off by being heartless, calculated, uncompromising and disrespcetful to men and all around.


So..there's another thing a little more shocking our movement works on that I wanted to point out. I hope you have heard of it....but doubt that enough have. It goes by the names: female circumsision, female gential multilation or circumsision, clidorectomy, hoodorectomy, FCG...all terms that the international community is quite conscious of and still trying to assess its presence and existence as it's routinely done in many, many countries. And the US. Don't think it happened here? In the United States, as recently as 1938, FGC was advocated by some Christian evangelists as a method of preventing masturbation. As one preacher prescribed: "While incest and illicit commerce of the sexes is abominable, there is another even more so--if that be possible--that is, the heinous sin of self-pollution or masturbation... In some cases where there may be impingement of the clitoris, a slight operation may be necessary to relieve the tension and irritation..."

Hard to believe right. Those dang Christians used it to stop female masturabtion...because...well, God forbid! FCG: It's common purposes range from preventing promiscuity, maturbation, preservation of virginity, social and political issues, believed cleanliness, a cure for hysteria, insanity, depression, deviance (yes, even US medicine used this grand old practice when I woman was purported to be having too many "blue" days. Because of increased pressure by internationl frowning, in many areas the practice has gone underground and women and female infants are having the surgery performed by peers, not doctors- with household items and anything with a sharp edge. They either receive no anesthesia or are overdosing from improper doses of it resulting in death.

It's a powerful, well debated issue internationally and a major concern of the feminist movement. It wasn't in Cosmo Girl, that's for sure.

So, please, just watch the manner in which you close your mind to a whole idea because of a few people or grouchy women in misery who have fallen victim to massive consumerism and a total loss of heart.

OK-, honestly- almost done here....last, last thing:
These femininist magazines she claims taught her and encouraged her and molded her into someone who disresepected men, generally all human beings and caused her to care about nothing but her own career and getting ahead- were not feminist magazines. If your magazine talks about how to climb the career ladder fast as a woman (with a pic next to the article: a photo of a sexy "powerful" business woman in a suit, low cut shirt, legs crossed seductively with a stem of her eye glasses lightly touching her red thick lips and slipping into her teeth) on one page then gives you the top best lip glosses for under $20 and 10 things you should know about how to tell if your man is cheating: that's called a trash mag. Not feminist reading.


Women (and I speak for myself here) have a lot more to worry about in the world than sleeping our way to the top, having affairs, drinking, having a Modern Bride Wedding, a white picket fence, two kids, a nice SUV and obedient husband. That is not feminism. That is a personality type. Please stop mis-using the word and the movement.

And thanks for letting me rant.

mbkirsten 8:44 AM

KellyMac said...

All I can say is she got what she deserved. Well, almost. She just needs to end up dying alone and miserable.

I agree with the poster who said she wasn't truly sorry as she still kept the money and (presumably) the ongoing payments.

I think she's just trying to now blame feminism and other women for her own inner stupidity and bitch personality.

Here's a thought: you're just a bad, stupid person lady.


Nath 9:02 AM

KellyMac said...

flint's gunner, mate, you really need to learn forgiveness, the amount of self analysis this woman has gone through to get to this stage is amazing, something which very few people, women or men, actually manage. Gloating is just rather nasty.

Forgive her like she should forgive herself, there are elements to suggest that she will, eventually. I say good on her, I've met plenty of unpleasant people who need to have a good solid look at themselves and never will. She should spread the word against using politics as an excuse for bullying.


nick 9:26 AM

KellyMac said...

What does it take to get a woman to wake up? This is a great article, but how does a woman stop this before it gets totally out of control? Even thin, beautiful women dump good men so they can fulfil their lusts. Some will never grow up and realize what they're doing.


Anonymous 9:35 AM

KellyMac said...

I dont think your problem was 'feminism'. I think your problem was selfishness.

Anonymous 9:43 AM

KellyMac said...

Re: "her focus on getting back into shape... and re-tooling her outlook on men... all because it is useful."

True. But you can't expect her to change so completely overnight. She spent a lifetime using men, it will take a while longer to get around to that. We don't all heal on your schedule, you know.

She has the honesty part down. That's probably the biggest and hardest part. She'll get the rest.

Shanghai Bitch 9:51 AM

Zbu said...

I agree with most the comments here about this being typical narcissistic remorse. She feels sorry for herself because of what happened to her and as a result, how badly she treated her husband. In short, she's basically still self-centered and delusional and changing more because she's getting older and doesn't have the ability to 'catch men' as she once did. Sadly, this doesn't really explain why she was such an unlikable cow back then as much as she just reinforces the fact that she's pretty much a consumer of all things, including people, and this will never change.

If she was really focused on change she might considering simply examining why she spent some college years heading towards such a pathetically job-oriented goal such as business. She claims to have stopped blaming others yet the main focus of this article is her blaming feminism instead. This isn't a healthy change, this is an easy change. Blaming the intangible for her behavior is the only recourse after blaming everybody else. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions.

And while American Feminism is indeed incorrect (the difference between it and European is that the latter wants an equality among sexes while the American version simply wants to change the gender at the top of the power structure to female but validate the power structure in doing so), blaming it for the actions of a self-centered bitch that now seeks absolution from her actions simply doesn't ring true. Feminism did not alienate her husband from her life and treat him like awful shit; she did. And when she admits that and makes real amends--like leaving him alone forever--then she'll be making a good start. As it is, she's simply just admitting past wrongs to make herself feel vindicated but does nothing to her reality at all. Let's face it, she's probably going to die alone simply because her elitist attitudes and childish behavior have pushed everybody else away. I do not envy her position in life and wish I could say it would get better, but chances are she's simply going to grow into an old woman who replaces alienating assholish behavior with a glorified undeserving piousness that is also a function of American Feminism. All this does is allow her to take that step. It's about as realistic and phony as a serial murderer muttering a few Bible verses to reverse all the wrongs they have done: it does not work that way and only serves to self-serve.

bek said...

It is possible to be a strong and successful woman without all the feelings of entitlement and the propaganda. Some of us do, and live it every day. Life is about compromise and enjoying time with the ones you love, doing things you love. Actions speak louder than words, so instead of complaining try living.

One woman waking up to regret portions of her life is a lesson we can all take to be considerate of those around us, but we should be careful not to confuse that with equality for women. Luckily she still has time to make the changes in her life that she wants.

Anonymous said...

FEMINISM DOES NOT EQUAL MAN HATING
THIS WOMAN IS A MAN HATER
NOT A FEMINIST
replace the word 'man' with 'negro'
can you see a parallel?
hate comes in all colors
good for her to wake up
not necessarily for the right cause
but seeing the error of your ways is a start

Anonymous said...

great article, thanks for sharing

Anonymous said...

Although its good that you learn from your mistakes it is never good to dwell in regret. We keep learning everyday no matter how big or small the event/issue. Instead of feeling sorry, you can now look forward to the future a wiser person.

Rob Fedders said...

@ Anon 10:09PM, 01/01/08

Anon 10:09PM said:

"Where are the feminists working to have universal health care passed in the US where most of the uninsured are women and children?"

I don't doubt the veracity of such a claim, but I would also venture to guess that in the US, most of uninsured are ALSO "men and children."

If women want to be regarded as equally capable, how about they stop labelling themselves in the same category as children.

I doubt you meant this as propaganda. But, women should start realizing that these kinds of statements are propaganda brought about by feminist organizations to get preferential (as in un-equal) treatment over men - by attaching themselves to children.

The same as what you say about the women who work in sweatshops for near slave labour wages. - I don't disagree that their lives suck.

But I can pretty much guarantee you that the men who live in the same society are treated MUCH worse than she is. This is a universal constant in ALL societies and has been since the beginning of societies.

Either feminism cares about men's wellbeing as well much as women's wellbeing, or else it is by every definition, a gender supremacist movement.

I noticed that you didn't actually declare yourself a feminist, but your defence of "pre-80's" feminism still shows that you feel issues of women should receive precedence over those of males - and hence, you are showing quite accurately that even "European" or "pre-80's" feminism is about female supremacy and not gender equality.

Something to think about.

Anonymous said...

Great blog. Thank goodness women like you exist. You may be interested in Ayn Rand's views on Feminism. Here's a link to an article about Feminism by someone at the Ayn Rand Institute (it's all I could find).

Cast Iron Balcony said...

This woman is vain, shallow, consumerist, a workaholic with control issues, overeats... and it's because of ... feminism?

and the linkage is... where? (except that, being vain, shallow, etc etc, the writer of course seeks to blame something, anyone, other than herself?)

Whatever. There is no analysis here worth poking a stick at.

Aaron said...

Sorry, the link:
http://www.aynrand.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5216

Sanjay258 said...

Well, we have the typical responses from feminists:

- this woman is no "true" feminist
- but due to male oppression she's justified in doing what she did anyway
- sounds like a man wrote it
- but there's no such thing as gender or behavioral traits typical of men or women anyway
- capitalism and democracy are immoral systems of male oppression
- but women should have equal rights/benefits under those systems anyway
- and women should not be required to assume equal responsibility, costs, or accountability within these systems
- but women should have equal rights/benefits under those systems anyway


My response:

Due to evolutionary biology, when left to their own devices women will only "choose" to have sex/babies with a few "bad boy" alpha males while using/cuckolding the rest of the "nice guy" men (beta males) for their collective resources and services. It is this female tendency which drives most of the mayhem in the world and always has.

Capitalism and democracy are ethical systems of competition which give "nice guy" beta males the opportunity to legally compete for power - this is why feminists oppose these systems. Feminists don't want all men to be able to compete for power, they would much rather only a few "bad boy" alpha males have all of the status and power, and thus all of the women, sex and offspring.

Matriarchal socialism (all of the women impregnated by bad boy alphas while cuckolding the nice guy betas via their tax dollars and the court system) is the feminist plan to destroy the male gender, to force all men to fight illegally like rats in a cage; violent "bad boy" alpha male run ghettos are only the first phases of this matriarchal socialism.

thiswomanisabitch said...

all i can say is... BITCH!!!!!

Kuuenbu said...

Quite an article, and definitely the kind that's a must-read.

I don't think it's fair to write off either feminism or the article completely. Obviously this woman doesn't encapsulate the whole of the movement, but you can't deny that it has made some rotten ideas more acceptable.

It would be a lot better if people took away from this a lesson regarding life in general, rather than as grounds to feverently uphold political agendas.

Anonymous said...

One person made bad choices, therefore feminism is evil. QED.

Also, this is clearly not written by a real person.

Kuuenbu said...

Oh shit, it is fake.

"[I wrote it as an apocryphal story. Regardless, it should be spread around quietly]"

Ugh. The last thing the MRM needs is grossly manipulative tactics that only serve to discredit it. Considering how far the movement has to go before the general public can accept it on anywhere near the grounds they do feminism, such needless measures are most certainly not worth their great risks.

KellyMac said...

Also, this is clearly not written by a real person.

Well, clearly. What woman would subject herself to that kind of introspection? Still, though, it would be nice. I know I've done it.

Kuuenbu said...

I mentioned that turning this into an argument over feminism itself was misguided, but considering the fakeness of the story itself, I'd say such bets are off. So it looks like I'll be giving my opinion on the manner-in-demand:

Feminism is "officially" defined as the belief in the equality of women and men and the work to have such recognized. However, there is also no denying that the advancement of women's status is a fundamental core element of feminism; after all, why else would it be called "feminism" rather than "egalitarianism"? The concept was utilized by those who desired women to have the same legal and professional rights and privileges that men had (such as the right to vote and access to education). This advancement would make the sexes "equal", so to speak, hence the amalgamation of gender equality and female advancement.

The problem with this is that, in order for both of these to coexist and create feminism as we know it, a dogmatic assumption must be made: that women are oppressed in overall relation to men. Add feminism's perchant for politics and activism, and you have a very toxic philosophy. When people are told that women are disadvantaged and "underneath" men and that this situation must be rectified, it easily follows that any action advancing women ought to be praised and any action advancing men threatens to widen this presumed gulf, and thus coerces the believer into objecting to it.

This sort of thinking injects an incessant sense of fear into the feminist, feeding off their moral inclinations and monochromatically coloring their view of the world, much in the same way that religious fears do. It's true that feminism wouldn't be primarily responsible for the hypothetical woman's spiteful behavior, but it certainly wouldn't help it.

And of course it's possible that the hypothetical woman wouldn't need to reject feminism to end such behavior, however I do think the clarity offered by freeing oneself from the narrowing worldview of the feminist belief system would certainly offer a sort of clarity that would leave one less susceptible to antagonistic hostility.

Many things done out of selfishness are really done out of fear, and feminism, just like many other political philosophies, greatly encourages such fear by its very nature. Just some thoughts from a former feminist.

Kuuenbu said...

Sorry for the extra post, but I was going to bring this to light in the previous one, only to remember right after posting it.

"It's also a bit unfair to conflate misandry with feminism. The destructive effects of misandry on my life, and the fact that it's inextricably linked with misogyny, is the reason I'm a feminist."

This right here is a good example of what bothers me so much about the feminist belief (and why I so often correlate it with organized religion). It's what I, as well as others skeptical of feminist philosophy, like to refer to as "male original sin", using either men, male authority or any sort of offense against of women as the root of non-feminine specific problems. This time-honored tactic is well-infused in modern-day feminist rhetoric and politics, unjustly absolving women of blame and planting it on men, which, in my book, definitely classifies as sexism.

When you get right down to it, such a quote is really little more than a fancy way of saying "men are the source of all the world's problems".

Rational Mad Man said...

I don't buy it.
That was way too fucking self aware for the woman she describes herself as to be.

Hmh said...

Whether this was actually written by a man or not, even if it is fiction, I find myself agreeing with all of it. This is a sadly typical story and I see variations on it all around me... as standard.

Yep: this pathetic story of self-delusion, insensitivity and selfishness is actually pretty normal behaviour.

A few posters have pointed out that this is selfism rather that feminism. Whatever. That's an argument that doesn't have much bearing on this: I will no longer have anything to do with such women if I can help it, and so are a rapidly increasing number of men who are starting to wake up.

She's had every chance in the world and thrown them all away, damaging a lot of other lives in the process. I have no sympathy whatever for her. I also don't expect any dating success in her future whatever, since by this age the men tend to have wised up.

kyadoshi said...

Fiction or not this reveals the unforgivable and humorless nature that is so common with feminist teachings and ideals.

If you could get every feminist to read "A Course in Miracles" the movement would mostly vanish overnight.

Anonymous said...

Idiot who always seems to find someone else to blame. Now it is feminism's fault she used to be an idiot. She is still an idiot and she still needs to accept SOME responsibility for her own life. Oh no, it is the big, bad, ugly feminists that made her do all those terrible things.

Few people's lives turn out the way they thought they would. The losers whine and blame others.

Tin Soul said...

RTessler said...
"...No woman thinks friendships are more important than motherhood...a woman has to be very freaky to have both of her sons hate her..."

I have to disagree with you. There is not just one type of woman. There are as many types of women as there are men, and some of those types of women are not into motherhood, and hate it as a matter of fact. Their kids end up either hating them or being really screwed up, or both.
My wife says there is something 'wrong' with me because I have only 3 or 4 friends, and she has 10 times that. So, because I don't have at least as many friends as her, she gets to say I'm antisocial. I would rather have one very close friend than 1000 associates or fair-weather friends. She repeatedly states how she hates being a mother and never should have become one, and that I can have the kids if/when we get a divorce. I absolutely -live- for my kids.
So there's a couple of stereotypes that I know are wrong. Women aren't necessarily the best mothers. Fathers are sometimes better mothers than the mothers are.

crella said...

She 'learned to conflate wants' it's Disney's fault, she lived up to Mummy's and Bride Magazines expectations?

How sexist....women can't even screw up their own lives, but have to be influenced into it?[/sarcasm] Don't any you realize how foolish that sounds, when you make excuses for women's behaviour like this??You're essentially saying she had no free will!

Feminism, yes feminism is at the roots of much...feminism is NOT neat and tidy like the dictionary definition someone put up there. If it were, God knows we wouldn't be in the mess we're in! Title IX (if there isn't a mirror girls' sports team for each male team , say wrestling,the male teams are disbanded--sound fair to you?)

Mary Winkler court cases...the father who threw his kids off a bridge while under the influence of crack has been charged with four counts of capital murder, the mother who threw her kids into San Francisco Bay charged with murder (not even Murder I)...men receive harsher longer prison sentences across the board...where's the "equality" there? Debra LeFave was 'too pretty for prison' Our legal system is a parody of justice, and biased in favor of women.

Women under feminism learned to disparage and disrespect men (how many 'how dumb men are' emails are in your Inbox today?), their accomplishments, and contributions. Hardly a recipe for a happy marriage, to have one partner believing the other one's a dunce who can't do anything right.

If you think feminism has nothing to do with the divorce rate,and the general state of things between men and women, you've got your head so far up your keister that you'll never get it out.

asdusty said...

This story just demonstrates that feminism is sexism by another name.

whitty said...

I can see the point of people saying this isn't so much about feminism. But the things that did echo problems with feminist attitudes are 'It was never, ever our fault because we were female'.
'my needs were paramount and his needs were completely irrelevant' and 'I never thought about my own hypocrisy about trying to find a man to whom I was attracted to physically. '

I wouldn't say these attitudes are the aim of feminism, but constantly telling young woman about their 'rights', and that they are special because they are women, and deserve everything, while neglecting to tell them men are people too, and that men have rights too, can lead to a lot of the issues in this fictional diatribe.

Anonymous said...

Good try telling us her problems were not caused by feminists. Sorry, but no cigar.

For 40 years I have watched and listened to American feminists. They are indeed about man hating.

Girls in school are exposed to it by fem teachers. On TV. In magazines.

Our legal system has been turned upside down by it.

Yes, this was about feminism.

By the way, I have encountered older women a number of times who realized they had been bitches most of their lives.

For a woman of fame, read Maria von Trapp's autobiography. After her husband died, she realized she had made his life miserable, and all he wanted was to make her happy, but she saw that was not ever going to be.

Yes, this essay is believable to anyone who has been on the planet for a while and seen other similar things happen.

Anonymous age 65

SK said...

I'm skeptical about the authenticity of the story, though I am sure the selfish, consumerist behaviors and attitudes described occur far more often than most of us would like. Inconsiderate people with entitlemeant issues suck and are an awful drain to befriend or to try to love.

I'm someone who believes in fighting for the equal treatment, as far as possible, of men and women. I have never and would never treat someone I loved--or, hell, even someone I just didn't hate--the way the woman in the story treated her husband. I do not and never will expect the man in my life to support me financially, cater to my whims, drastically change himself to suit impossible specifications, or do anything other than be a kind-hearted, interesting, and curious individual with whom I can have both good sex and good conversation. In return, I will do my level best to provide same. Physical attractiveness is important also--but for both of us.

I have never traded sex for a grade, a promotion, or for anything other than, well, sex, and I never will, as it is ethically wrong. I do not use sex to manipulate people I am involved with, either, as the woman in the story does. I do not believe I am entitled to a perfect life. I know that life involves sacrifices and hard choices. If we wish to start a family and have any hope of watching them grow up, for example, my possible future husband and I would need to resign ourselves to focusing less on our careers and therefore not advancing as often or asquickly as we otherwise might. This would also necessitate making further sacrifices in order to budget efficiently. If any person actually believes what he or she might be reading or seeing on TV about the perfect, non-messy, gadget-and-luxury-ridden modern life with the 2 kids and the beautiful house and the top career spot and all the time in the world, actually believes they are automatically entitled to this fabulous well-nigh-impossible dream--he or she is pretty stupid, in addition to being dangerously narcissistic.

The woman in the story is a grotesque caricature, even if--and I don't think she is, though people who exhibit some of her awful traits certainly are--she is real. Everyone who pointed out how she conveniently shifts the blame for her mistakes in life from men to feminism, and how she does not appear to have essentially changed her narcissistic outlook, only her tactics, is spot on. Let's hope this self-centered pile of shit--or the hack writer, male or female, who created her in a sick effort to slander those who work to remedy sexism--quietly fucks off and dies.

Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

Kelly Mac - look at my latest please where I'm under fire from the feminists and need some female support. Maybe you'll agree with them.

jimf said...

A lot of hardened "feminist supporters" here have complained that the author is blindly blaming feminism for her falls in life.

But what is "Feminism" ?. It is an idea not a solid definable constant. It means different things to different people. Just because you hold the idea of idealised feminism close to you're heart does not mean it applies that way to the real world.

In fact with with you're posts you "die hard" feminists confirm the very point of the author. That you are incapable of seperating the idealised tenants of feminism from the way they work with real people in the real world.

The author is not assaulting the ideas of female equality. She is assaulting the mutation of feminism from an equalist movement to a misandrist ,unfair one. If you lot were true feminists you would not have a problem with at least considering the jist of her arguement. Instead you bicker over technicalities , practicing the time tested feminist method of shouting down you're opposition in place of the rational thought processes that you accuse feminist opponants of not adhering to. Responsibility indeed.

Anonymous said...

I'm proud to be a feminist.

I'm also happy, and love my artsy boyfriend. I'm content and not that ambitious at work.

I love kids, and am compassionate towards the hurting.

I love the arts, spiritualitiy, the trees and intelligent conversation over coffee cake and tea.

And I'm a feminist.

Valkyriefire said...

This just makes me wonder what you think feminism is and where you got your information?

Interesting. I knew there was a backlash against feminism, although I didn't realize the depth of vehemence and hatred some people have for it.

Here's to a diverse world!

She-Ra said...

This story is fake. It was written by a man.

Jessamyn13 said...

Just a quick thought (unfortunately, an almost feminist thought) here... Everything about her looks, finding men, their looks... I still think it should be mentioned that an appalling number of *men* choose women based on their looks, and then judge all women by bitches like this one - that THEY chose for her good looks. Lesson for men AND women: Personality kicks looks well-toned rear.

And that said, God knows I find a man more physically attractive when he has a sense of humor.

Jeseppi Trade Wildfeather said...

Kellyflippermac, you have quite a bit of courage. Thank you for your willingness to acknowledge and validate men. This is respect. Mutual respect between men and women is so necessary for a successful relationship. Because of your growth and nobility I feel certain that you will attract a suitable partner. You have a beautiful heart. Men want to feel something on more than a physical level and the women who can assist them in growing emotionally reap the best benefits, I believe. May peace and joy be always with your spirit. -Wildfeather

Peter Tarbat said...

http://petertarbatisherekids.blogspot.com/
peter tarbat petertarbat@live.ca

Karen said...

This was so obviously written by a man it's ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

No way was that written by a woman. Here's why:

1. Far too introspective without any significant event fomenting the treatise.
2. The writer took disparate information and successfully integrated it into a logical essay.
3. The writer immediately took responsibility and accountability for it.

In the SCANT chance it was written by a woman, she was NOT nor ever had been a Feminist, for it appears this person thought it out fully without bleating Oprah audiences you-go-grrrrl'ing her.

Lastly, until the writer self-identifies it's NOT a revelation; it's an anonymous wetdream.

Sorry guys, but I have no faith in English-speaking women to do ANYTHING out of altruish. It's just not in their genes to the extent it's in men's to admit failure, ask for forgiveiness and serve a sentence of repentence in order to set things right. Can you honestly say if that would ever happen if even an army of these erstwhile essay-writers splayed themselves out for us like Prometheus did for the vultures? I don't buy it.

Anonymous said...

asdusty said...
This story just demonstrates that feminism is sexism by another name.

January 14, 2008 12:56 AM

Yup, and another thing it could demonstrate is:

Feminism is a bald-faced whorish manipulation of society for the usury of one Class of people.

Anonymous said...

so obviously phony. this was written by an angry man.

Anonymous said...

Anyone can "realize they were wrong" after the fact. Hindsight is no special ability, every human can do it. I wish nothing but a lifetime of pain, loneliness and bitterness on this woman. BTW, she isn't "sorry" for anything. You'll notice that she never once comes to the conclusion that it's wrong to collect child support from her ex....isn't this woman working too? Or that she betrayed her sons by removing them from their father. Or that she increased their chances of spending time in prison magnitudinally. The only thing she's "sorry" about is ending up alone.

BTW Julian, did you read the article? Feminism has a lot to answer for not the very least of which is it's trait of endlessly validating women's behaviour even when it's abhorrent. Until feminism learns to call bad people out and not just bad men, then it will remain as it is: a hate-cult no different than white supremacy.

Anonymous said...

Reading this from the lens of three years down - in 2010 - all that is noticeable is the "I, I, I" tone of the entire piece. She hasn't lost her princess aura, of that it is certain.
Try as she might, she still cannot disguise the fact that she still blames men for her current lot in life.
She deserves every iota of her fate. I'm not impressed.

shajustice said...

Hats off to you Lady. Glad you finally realised.

I hope you sons dont go through the same as to what you had done to you innocent husband.

Your real fight starts now...
FIGHTING AGAINST FEMINISM and women that will want to look down on you for speaking THE TRUTH!!

Anonymous said...

How many men either have been involved with a woman just like this one--or know one? Lots.

How can middle-aged women ask the question, "where are all the men?" with a straight face? I know where they are--they're either hiding or avoiding the entitled bitches who behave outrageously. Men have allowed women to behave in ways that they would not tolerate from men.....and why? The easy answer is sex....damned fools that we are.

Steinem laughed all the way to the bank....and she laughed at how gullible women really are. OK--so curl up with a copy of Ms. or Cosmo on a cold night--crank up the vibe--and fix your own damned plumbing.

Bonnie said...

Wow, you're just full of hate, aren't you? First sign that someone is truly miserable - they delight in the misery of others, even wishing more ill on them. You are a foul, foul person.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand where feminism comes in here - the world didn't make her that way, she was simply a rotten, selfish person and feminists didn't make her that way

KellyMac said...

Feminists may not have made her that way, but they went out of their way to encourage her attitude.

Anonymous said...

Good to see you can still blame your own problems on a philosophy rather than see what's the real problem: yourself.

Eric Iholts said...

Beautiful story. Often a writer will use his/her pain to inscribe a work of art and transition into something meaningful. Often we draw from our wounds, our blood ink to create art out of misery.